You’ve finally found the love of your life. Now what?
Here comes the actual hard work of maintaining and strengthening a healthy connection. According to relationship expert and author of F the Fairy Tale Damona Hoffman, communication is one of the four pillars of long-term compatibility.
She believes everything else can be figured out if you know how to talk to your partner and, more importantly, how to listen. Below are some specific tips from Hoffman for practicing intentional communication with the love of your life.
1. Start with Self-Reflection
Before you can share your desires, you need to understand them yourself. Take some time to think about what you truly want and why it matters to you. When you’re clear on your feelings, you’ll be better equipped to communicate them effectively.
2. Pick the Right Moment
Timing is everything. Don’t bring up sensitive topics when stressed, distracted, in a rush…or bed. Instead, find a calm, relaxed time when you both feel connected. A good rule of thumb? Approach essential conversations when you can give each other your full attention, and if your partner approaches you when you’re not ready, say, “This conversation is important to me. Can we reconnect when I can give you my undivided attention?”
3. Use “I” Statements
Frame your desires in a way that focuses on your feelings rather than placing blame or sounding critical. For example, say, “I feel most loved when we spend quality time together,” instead of, “You never make time for me.” This keeps the conversation constructive and avoids putting your partner on the defensive.
4. Be Specific and Action-Oriented
Don’t leave your partner guessing — be clear about what you want and how they can help meet that need. Instead of saying, “I wish we had more romance,” try, “I’d love it if we could have a date night once a week.” Specificity turns abstract desires into actionable goals and inspires your partner to show up for you.
5. Create Space for Their Input
Communication is a two-way street. After sharing your desires, invite your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. Ask open-ended questions like, “How does that sound to you?” or “What’s your perspective on this?” and then PAUSE and wait for their reply. Please don’t rush to fill in the space or anticipate their answer. This ensures the conversation feels collaborative, not one-sided.
6. Reassure and Express Appreciation
When communicating your desires, make it clear that you’re coming from a place of love and connection – not criticism. Reassure your partner that you value and appreciate their effort in the relationship, and sandwich any requests or feedback between two loving statements.