My earliest memory of Valentine’s Day was in the fifth grade. I remember watching the “it” girls get showered with roses, candy, balloons, and teddy bears, hoping it would be me one day. I’m 36 now, and for some years, I have been the girl showered with displays of love on Valentine’s Day. Other years, I haven’t.
Valentine’s Day has been around for centuries; for some, it’s a day to dote on and celebrate a lover. However, this day can equally be triggering for newly single people, waiting for it to finally be their turn or grieving the loss of a partner.
If I’ve learned anything over the past two decades and 20-plus Valentine’s Days, it’s that what you feel on Feb 14th mirrors the love you have inside. During the years I didn’t love myself, Valentine’s Day elucidated my lack and magnified my belief that I was unworthy and unloved. During the years when my self-love was ripe and overflowing, Valentine’s Day was the softest celebration of that abundance. After realizing that, I’ve made it a point to find a moment of solitude–choosing to be alone and engage in healthy self-reflection–every Valentine’s Day. This sacred practice is one I’ve come to embrace whether I’m partnered or not.
Last year, I intentionally curated a day that felt thoughtful and loving for myself. My Valentine’s Day consisted of a solo date to the beach where I tried my hand at roller skating, got encouragement from strangers along the way, and laughed at myself when I finally busted my ass. I ate my favorite seafood pasta and had a salted-rim margarita on the rocks–my signature drink. I also took time to reflect on how immensely proud I was of my work to get to that point of self-love. Overall, I allowed myself to feel joy, reflect on my journey, and indulge in things I love with the person I love the most–myself.
If you embrace solitude this Valentine’s Day, it doesn’t have to look like this. The most loving thing for you to do may be to cry and acknowledge any disappointment or grief you feel. Another loving act may be to pen a gratitude list to shift your focus on how your life is beautiful and loved. Logging off of social media for the day to avoid comparing yourself to others may be the solitude you need. Or perhaps embracing solitude is curating a fun or romantic solo date for yourself.
The most important thing is to drown out the noise, forget the optics, and focus on creating your most loving experience on Valentine’s Day and beyond.
While spending time in solitude, it’s also important to acknowledge any loneliness you may feel. Loneliness gets a bad rep because it is often conflated with sadness, undesirableness, rejection, or desperation. But there is power in acknowledging the loneliness you may feel on Valentine’s Day and remembering when you’re cradled in your love, you’re never alone. I found that acknowledging my loneliness on Valentine’s Day allowed me to see ways I could meet my own needs while manifesting the type of love I desired for myself.
Finally, there’s also an indelible opportunity to remember the gift of being single. You may not have a partner to love on, but you are in a season where you can prioritize your needs, pour into platonic relationships, focus on your goals, deepen your self-knowing, and focus on your healing. When I was in the wrong relationships, I would dream of a day when I’d be single again and do all of the above. And when I finally was single, I did that and more.
I now look forward to Valentine’s Day because it’s become a celebration of love. I am deeply loved by myself, God, my son, friends, family, and many others. I might have never been able to see the overflow of love without a couple of Valentine’s Days spent in solitude.