When someone touches you, a knee-jerk response can be anything from feeling the hair on your body stand to wanting to melt into a puddle of goodness. Touch is a tangible way to show someone you care about them.
However, for some people, touch can be uncomfortable, especially if it isn’t something they’re accustomed to. For trauma survivors, touch can be unpleasant or triggering. Nonetheless, touch within a relationship can have a multitude of positive benefits that enhance both your health and the connection you have with your partner.
“Touch is very important in all of our relationships, especially given that many of us from time to time have experienced a little thing called skin hunger whereby you are wanting the connection that can only happen when someone touches your skin,” says Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist.
Let’s get into how you can incorporate more touch into your relationship without and hopefully, improve your relationship as a result.
Start With a Conversation
It’s easy to make assumptions about how your partner likes to be touched. These assumptions can be further cemented when you’ve been with your partner for some time. However, initiating a conversation around touch is an opportunity to put assumptions aside and learn what your partner really needs when it comes to touch. Carve out time to have the conversation and ask them where physical touch falls on their love language scale. You can then shift the conversation to discuss their favorite types of touch. What touch makes them feel the most loved? Are there any types of touch they crave what you’re not providing?
Additionally, it doesn’t hurt to ask if there are any types of touch that make them feel uncomfortable so you’re cognisant of any boundaries they have too.
Be Intentional About Hand Holding
Hand holding is one of the simplest ways to incorporate more touch into your relationship. When you’re ripping and running it can be easy to forget to do something as simple as hold your partner’s hand.
“Hold hands while you’re doing the things that you’re normally doing,” says Dr. Oriowo. “Maybe sitting in a space reading together, you can hold hands. If the activity that you’re doing only really requires one, then it is one way to incorporate touch.”
Hand holding can also happen in the car when you’re running errands, during grocery runs, or when you’re having small talk.
Create Rituals Around Touch
Rituals can be a way to build habits and may be helpful when trying to interweave more loving practices in your relationship. If you don’t have many rituals around touch in your relationship, think about ones you’d like to create. A short but sweet ritual could be spooning or hugging for one minute in the morning before rolling out of bed assuming you live together. Research shows that hugs can help downregulate stress systems, so it could benefit your health and relationship.
“Planning a hug is a beautiful way to reconnect to and to help reset your nervous system,” says Oriowo. She recommends hugging for 30 seconds to a minute if possible. “It is a way for you both to be in the same space at the same time doing the same thing. And you can use it as a moment to try and practice some mindfulness with your partner,” she adds.
If you’re down for trying bigger rituals, it could be to have an in-house movie night once a week that includes snuggling under blankets. You may also choose to do a couple’s massage at home once a month so you take turns touching one another. You can base your new touch rituals on the conversation you have around touch or brainstorm new ones together. The goal is to make touch a natural and expected part of your routine.
Try Habit Stacking
Another way to add touch to your daily routine is through what’s called habit stacking–where you pair a new habit you want to form with an existing one. This approach can make the new habits you’re trying to form around touch feel less overwhelming. It can also take some pressure off when it comes to being consistent with your new touch routine.
For instance, if you tend to make your partner coffee in the morning, make it a point to also give them a kiss or rub their back when handing it to them. If you have conflicting schedules in the morning, then look for a habit that you engage in when you’re both together and find an opportunity to stack. It may be adding a 90-second embrace and kiss when you see your partner for the first time in the day.
Engage in Spontaneous Play
Sometimes life gets so serious that you forget to play with your partner. Play opens up a gateway for touch between you and your partner. Doing playful things like wrestling, having a pillow fight, or tickling one another can help facilitate more touch. It’s also a spontaneous vs planned way to create intimate moments. If you’re not down for the mentioned forms of play, you could dance or exercise together instead. Throw in a butt smack or slow dance for good measure.
Help With Self-Care Routines
Most people have at least one self-care activity they engage in daily, be it grooming their hair, taking a shower, or putting on sunscreen. Offer to help your partner with their self-care as a way to get some physical touch in. The good thing about this is it can be done in the morning, before bed, or both. You could also carve out a self-care day ont he weekend where you can both pamper one another.
Spend More Time On Foreplay
Sexual activity is an obvious way to incorporate trust, but if things have gotten routine, be more mindful about foreplay. One of the benefits of foreplay is that the focus is on pleasuring your partner to get them warmed up for the main event. Foreplay doesn’t always have to end in sex, but it is a chance to be sensual and engage in the type of touch your lover likes.
“It’s another way to sort of incorporate mindfulness practices because you’re both hoping to be present and both going for some sort of pleasure and or connection all in one,” says Oriowo.